Part 2: Friends
Appropriately, I started this entry whilst on an "artist date". Something I learned a long time ago is that if I want something done, or experienced, I must do it (by) myself. So from early adulthood, when I have been able to swing it, I take myself out to dinner. Or to the zoo, or to a museum. It used to be whatever was free, but now I don't even care. And on occasions where I order myself flowers, I make sure I tell the delivery guy that he "shouldn't have." I took some teaching, but I know that I have a lot of love to give, and I am worthy to receive, and given my circumstances, there seemed only one logical course of action.
Anyway: friendship. I'd give my situation a solid 8/10. I have many, and make them easily, though I continue to have difficulty finding someone... Like me. However you would like to define that. Also, I have started to realise that I could go on and on about this, because it is such an ongoing part of my journey, so I will try to keep it short. Our operating orders seem to be thus:
1) God asks us to love Him and then each other as ourselves. It's circular, and they feed into one another.
2) Adam was not made to be alone.
In other words: It is good and natural to need and have a social network, even when it is occasionally a challenge to form or maintain. We are meant to work and live together, and this helps everyone see a clearer picture of God and even ourselves through our interactions with others. And I do find strength in others as much as I am challenged or need a break from them, but in different ways and contexts. So I don't take issue with either of these teachings at all, and there is really nothing to further discern.
At the moment, I tend to be happy with the amount of friends I have, with the social time I can sustain, and know that when I am not full of other commitments it is generally more. I am no longer actively seeking friends as I was, because I am comfortable enough to meet new people organically now. There was a time where I was desperate to be seen and heard, in tandem with the crushing idea that any personal expression was mad ramblings, and a burden. This made talking to people difficult, obviously, but now is not an issue at all. I cannot... be thankful enough for this, and I am still making progress.
To my chagrin, however, some of my friends, even in the last few years, have moved away, gotten married or into relationships, switched jobs, etc, and so I am learning about carrying friendship in the long-term through continued encounters even with gaps between. I have had to learn to be ok with this transience, and it is more erratic than I'd like, but at the same time there is a special sort of pleasure when I hear back from them again that feeds into a sort of object-permanence I occasionally struggle with.
I am assuming that if I did have a husband I would not notice the gaps in communication as much, since I could have company and a greater depth of intimacy in between. And yes... I still hope... but we're putting a pin in time, aren't we? And that's a whole other post. Suffice it to say that right now, the depth I desire is sated by piecemeal, though crumbs from multiple tables. Since I know that banquets exist elsewhere, this can be discouraging, but it is also nothing at all I should complain about, because I also know what starving feels like. It's also better than being with someone with whom I could only connect superficially, if at all. There is an honesty to being physically alone that feels like freedom, in that respect. And through it all, I have learned to feel at home enough in myself to sustain my stance that I will not settle for less than what I can already give myself; plus a deep spiritual reciprocity that love requires. As far as friendships, though, I cannot say how I have shaped the lives of my friends, in comparison to how that have shaped mine, but I only ever pray that it has been for good.
