Crosses we Bear

I started the day still down, but I am getting progressively better. In honesty, I think God makes me sick on purpose so that I will have no choice but to listen, and pray properly. I find that when I do sit to pray in a formal manner (ie. not just in off-hand or spontaneous comments or acknowledgements), my heart always goes first to gratitude rather than the things that have otherwise been weighing on my heart. However, this morning was different. 

My sermon on Sunday was my own prayer to help me in my unbelief. I try to make sure my messages are theologically sound but it does not mean that I am not wrestling on my own. And boy, do I. But my inability to get up this morning, and a reading of Matthew, was helpful in making me realise the importance of being vocally open with God about our struggles and desires, even as they are perhaps something we have overthought or wished to hide. Please just know what I want, and help me... 

It seemed to me that, again and again, Jesus asks his people how to help them, even though he already knows what is best, and at times he is even expecting certain answers, or hoping for them. It is by the faith of those who ask, that they shall receive. I have spent so long aching in private and praying only "thy will be done" that even if asked, I didn't know what to answer. What if I ask for something that I know is wrong? Will God be disappointed with me? Send me away? But I voiced my heart today, regardless-- all that I wish, all that I have otherwise assumed God knew, so I never really said except in desperation or delirium. The motivation was... If I cannot ask, even as I know He has a plan, then I cannot be helped.

How exhausting it would be, to watch one I dearly loved suffer, though I could not help unless they asked me of their own free will. And out of respect, not lack of power... Even Jesus asked if things could be different. Even Jesus wept, even as he was obedient. And even as I, too, endeavour to give my all to trust in God for my own fate or destiny, I guess the question that continues to eat me is... As we take up our crosses, will God save those who have unknowingly taken up burdens on behalf of those who rejoice in their ruin, for their own gain? Will he save those whose hearts are in the right place, but still speak love to idols who look down upon them with empty eyes?

I have to believe He will. I have seen it... but I have to.