◎ A Time for Every Purpose

I hope you are doing alright, dearest reader. I know that there is never a complete crossing of the threshold into sending messages in bottles, but if there is ever anything you would like to delve into or revisit, rather than being at the whims of my random flights, I gently remind you that the option continues to exist. And yet, this is also a no-pressure environment, and as always I am simply awed that you are still here. What a gift that even with free will this is what we both choose to do.  

Today I am kind of random with how I feel, but nothing is particularly heavy. I'm tired physically, mostly. I arranged for someone to replace me in Sunday school for today but providentially no students showed up, anyway. I ended up having a very helpful chat with my elder, and I think I will do so more often in the near future, on a more regular basis. 

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I woke up this morning thinking about the post I wrote last night, and Ecclesiastes. It is difficult, even here, to express what I really want. I know what I want. But what I have, what I could have, and what I may someday aspire to or dream of, are all different things right now. It's all... a process of uncovering, and it takes a lot of vulnerability as well as my own ability to peel back the layers that can sometimes stand in the way of truth just because one has had to compensate or self-soothe/deny for so long. Sometimes it's a challenge to be coherent, and logical, too, without self-contradiction. I think those things are connected.  

I was thinking about all the times I've tried to convince myself that I didn't need... or that I could do xyz on my own. But I see now that, while the exercise was fruitful, I was going about it the wrong way. I think the outcome was approximately the same, but... I think the ultimate lesson is that there is a time and a purpose for everything... including asceticism, including celebrating abundance. BUT, I think that these ends of the spectrum can be important methods of exploring different aspects of ourselves and the world, but should only be considered a means to an end, and not the ends themselves. Like anything, I think that the middle path is the hardest, and when we fall off the edge into one or the other it can be indicative of an imbalance that can pull us away from true fulfillment. For instance, there's a running joke online recently that says "I wish I had enough money to realise it can't buy happiness," and the first time I saw it I thought it was cute. Yes, how many stories do we have of legendary characters who have everything, only to have lost their souls, or what was otherwise precious to them? And on the other hand, when we train ourselves to let everything in this world go, to escape suffering or somehow realise our reliance on God, it quickly becomes a question of to what extreme and what aspect of ourselves we wish to exit this world prematurely. Both ends are trying to end suffering, somehow. But the in the centre, where life is... it is an inevitability, yes, but glory is a possibility, too, where it is not in the others. 

I risk becoming a broken record here, but I think I have it all a bit more concise each time. I think that's what makes this discernment period in my life different than others: this continued tuning of the idea of how one is properly embodied. It can be easy for us, in our comforts and technologies, and empty culture, to disconnect from our bodies, like I had, and think that it is only our minds or spirits that are important. Hierarchically, I'd still say yes... but we were made incarnate and our bodies are still ourselves, and still works of God, that we are called to steward no less than the rest of creation. One needs look no further than the dysfunction that comes when this is not done properly.

I'm not personally dreaming about somehow taking a second stab at a life that I now see would have been pretty but empty. I'm not fantasising about a minimalist existence far away from humanity. So what are the expectations? I think that's where the seed imagery fits so neatly: When one has a seed, the seed contains the nature or soul of the adult plant in it, even if that adult is N-times its ultimate size, and has not yet grown enough to determine it's ultimate shape. I think that's why it's good to have this new sort of foggy feeling as a compass, so that one can be open to alignment with it in ways that maybe we hadn't expected. And... I think that's how you keep "standards," without having "expectations."  

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The thing is... I don't think I've "expected" anything for a while. I've learned my lesson. I eat enough, I sleep in a safe place, I don't creak yet, and the rest is gravy, isn't it? Who am I to ask for more? There is so little that a human really needs on a physical level, but.... we can't just ignore heart and psyche, and spirit, and think we are being whole, because our bodies are sated.

Even the things I listed that I would like, now, though, led by that foggy compass...  It is only going to be partially due to my own efforts. The idea of a home, a yard, love expressed, and history carried... these are all things that are very far away from where I am right now. But... I have my packet of seeds. And yes, there are shapes I want, but who knows what shape they will appear in, and in what order? I imagine there are some things that will take a while simply because there are some things which I cannot bring myself to imagine compromising on... and I know that. But... What else do I have, but time? Not time to learn how to compromise (God knows) but time to figure out a bit more of the path. Time to wait actively, but patiently. Time to listen, and watch. Time to hope.