⛾ Heart-Sting

When I was younger I used to think it funny that whenever I had time off, that was the time I would get sick. Nowadays I know that that's because sometimes when we try to be strong for too long, we eventually crash when we start to feel safe. At least, that's my theory. And that's the theory as to why I had a rough night last night, too. I am almost healed now-- like that sort of shiny, flatter skin that you know is holding tenuously, but still almost there, and as I do I am increasingly grateful that the arduous work of learning to trust God and to let go of my own ideas about futures that cannot be, does not mean letting go of my love, values, or experiences, as if they had not been real or true. Occasionally I still have to fight my feelings of injustice, too. And occasionally it also happens that, even with many things going right in my life, when I start to get tired everything clings to that one spot in my heart, until I am overwhelmed by factors that may have even been unrelated, but deflate me through the spot where I am most vulnerable. At first, I was almost angry about this because I dislike the idea of my heart's treasures having such a magnetism... But I actually think that it might be much more useful than that... 

There are a few magical weapons or indicators in fiction that a hero can have. Some magic sword, magic scar... something that tells someone that they are in danger. And it might sound silly but... I think this is actually a helpful development. Because of the amount of work I have done, the openness and space I have allowed myself to have for my grief, I know that I'm not just having random bursts of emotion anymore. Grief is odd, but it's also something I'm quite familiar with, as far as my own patterns. No-- this magnetism for negativity that my healing spot has, may actually be used to my advantage now. If I start to feel deflated or weighted down, where is it that I am feeling tired, and what shall I do about it? Where have I exerted myself, or been strong for too long again? What do I need? When was the last time I played my lyre, drew a doodle, or looked at something beautiful? Again and again, I am surprised by the ripples of love in my life that help me move forward, even as I walk alone. Even as I wish I wasn't, but assume there is still much I can learn in such a season. 

I am well this morning, for the record. I had a rough evening but I have had much worse, and I am certain it was largely cathartic after giving myself space over the last couple of days. I've poured a lot of myself out in ways that I really needed to, since part of me is always suppressed during the school year for practical reasons. I am still excited about what is to come, still grateful for all I have, and most importantly, I still look to the future with hope. 

I gave myself one last slow start at the day this morning, and I have my tea. I'm fully rested, and cleaned up, and I'm sitting in my revamped apartment in my stillness, and I feel ready to take on my last few weeks of class. I hope you are also doing well. Wish me luck.