✿ "I know a guy"

A dream I didn't write about that I had last week seems pertinent here, even though it is a rather long preamble. In the dream, I was transported with several peers to a remote island via coach. The premise seemed to be that we had left everything behind to get there, and that it was a place where nothing we'd had in our previous life was going to be necessary or even useful. Everything there was made by hand, and life was simple. We were even given new clothes.

When I got out of the bus everyone seemed to know where they were going, or else, like me, they simply disbursed to explore in their own way. I walked past a couple small houses and down a path through dunes, to the edge of the water. One of the houses had the beginnings of a garden growing in the back, but it was clearly not yet established. Still, it made me smile, and I wondered if I could help at some point in the future. As I stood on the shore, my mind went immediately to settling in and beginning my work. A large bag of grass seed appeared at my hip, as I desired it, and I began scattering seeds everywhere, just to see what might grow, and provide some extra stability to the dunes. I walked along the shore doing likewise for some minutes, until I heard the call of a friendly voice coming from another nearby house. 

The voice belonged to a young woman, who I recognised in the dream to be a kind friend, though I was surprised to see her. She gave me some sort of orange custard, and I happily tasted some with her. She showed me how she made it, so I could make some too, since her batch was to feed the other people who were arriving and lived on the island, too. When we had talked for a while, she went away and I was left with the stove, with the invitation to use it as desired. I got to work immediately to make the custard, but as I was working I realised that there was something wrong with one of the legs of the stove (or something) and it seemed a crime to me, so I put the food aside and began to work to fix the stove instead. Ultimately I was successful, but my custard did not thicken properly, as a result of my multitasking, and I was embarrassed by it. I was doubly embarrassed because someone else came up to speak with me and he was attractive. HA. And all my daydreams about being a good cook in the eyes of others I was just meeting were dashed. Despite this, I felt happy that I had completed the stove so that others would be able to use it to make good food in the future. 

....

So. I apologise if it is not immediately clear how this dream is related to the following post, but I don't feel like explaining in full at the moment. I did my investigations as the unsolicited voice instructed, and I am surprised with the results. You see... I'm not used to staying in the same spot, so I don't really know how to handle it. What I am used to is always chasing the next thing, turning every stone and leaf, and pushing toward it with all I have. I have a special skill for making things happen quickly, and so life can feel like it's not going fast enough when I'm not rushing past it, I guess. 

But... Well, I did the research about somewhere I would really like to go. And I'm not going to rule it out, for someday, but at the same time I woke up this morning with the same sort of grinding grouch on about the institutional church, and even started daydreaming about not coming in for a day. But that is never an option -- I teach the Sunday school every week now, and I was scheduled to be without a helper, too. And so, while my apple crisp was in the oven, I put my feet up and begrudgingly looked at what the lesson was supposed to be for today, and it was the Parable of the Mustard Seed. The activity involved planting seeds in little cups. "I have the stuff for that." I thought, turning my attentions to my pile of stored near-miss growing equipment from days of yore. (You see, around Covid, I was trying to start up a home nursery. I'd even supplied a couple sales to a local store. But I got a new job and forgot about it. You see, I've got skills... I just haven't figured out yet how to use them together.)

So I opened up my tote of soil (everyone has one, right?) and saw that it was still moist and has started to grow tiny mushrooms. I scraped some off the walls and then mixed the rest in, and sighed... This was an echo of something that I had not touched recently, but had once made me feel closer to God; The host of the wholesome miracle of life. Mother of all. There was no theological treatise about that for anyone to fight over. No tradition for people to feel self-righteous over. Nothing but pure, black potential that gives freely of itself and accepts its children back to it indiscriminately... Luckily a special talent of mine is that I always have some viable seeds lying around, too.

...

I then went upstairs, thinking about how my minister had made a comment that we are invited to use a couple of the grow boxes behind our church because they use our property for a community garden. It's something I've been thinking about for a while: "What if I started a non-profit community ministry that grew food for a foodbank or something?" I mean, I could work part time and do pulpit supply... I wouldn't have to play the game-- just provide a supportive role on my own terms. I can do it, I thought, I have every skill, background, and connection to do it. 

My landlord was having breakfast when I came to pack up my stuff for church. I decided to ask him, "Do you still need someone to take care of that land you have?", and I apologised for when I did not take him up on his offer the previous year. "When do you want to go see it? We could go this Friday!" he said, completely unphased. 

I want to say my mind raced, but it didn't, it just jumped to a good friend I knew I could ask for advice on creating communities that surround gardens and permaculture, and I texted him for the first time since last year, "Hey, this is random, but can we talk?" 

He got back to me within minutes, "Of course, what are you doing this week?" he said. 

And then it hit me. 

...

Now... I don't have a car. I live in someone's basement where I pay a third of the market value because I can't afford to go anywhere else in this city. And I don't like... the city. But... do you see what happened above? I know people here. I have actual social assets poised in ways that I'd never noticed before, because I'd never encountered the opportunity to make a social network in ways that I have done here. I have made relationships with people that may not be innate or mirrors of my own fantasies, but... are still valuable as parts in the body of something greater.... and this is better than I had imagined, and I simply wasn't able to see it. This has potential to build into something that is far greater than me, or anything that I could do alone. Anything I could imagine alone. I have come this far entirely under the premise that "if God wants me to do it, then God will provide," and it has not steered me wrong. In fact, it has clearly been steering in ways that I did not understand. But I think that my grumpiness at the unholy has amplified my sensitivity to what is, enough that I see now. I have been given a glimpse, a gift... 

Let's see where we "go" from here.