🕊 "Thank you... but our princess is in another castle."

I am a bit of a mess this morning, having fallen asleep after eating my forbidden soup and having various dreams that all enjoyed poking at different sore spots. However, having written this, I am feeling a bit better. My dreams were not just arbitrary nightmares, and I did get some clarity from them. I won't go so far as to say I've come to terms with any of the topics, or that I even want to feel better, because it's one of those things that I think it's important to embrace rather than fight. I am at least feeling more solid though, as a result, I just still don't know what to do, which is, of course, the main way in the past I have delt with problems. DO something. Do something to fix what is broken. But one cannot fix what does not wish to be fixed. And even if one could, there are limits to our own abilities. I am coming to terms with this, at least. I can always try to control my responses... but even that is not something I know today. 

Before we go further, the topic that I will discuss this morning is nothing new, and continues to be about the church... Dearest reader, we are watching someone in a hospital bed contort with dying throes, and people are celebrating it like it's a form of interpretive dance. It's the results of a slow distillation of a certain type of social club composed of certain types of members, having squeezed out anything that could have saved it from its self-fulfilled fate.

I wish that it was a matter of personality clashes. I wish that it was a matter of something they didn't like about me in particular. But no, they love me, as long as I do what they expect me to do. And I appreciate that, personally, but when our disagreements are about whether we should follow what we are called to do in Christ, or continue reinforcing the social bubble that keeps out everything, including theology... well, then I can't help you. The church is not a building, a potluck is not cookies and tea, communion is not a checkbox. 

I have expressed before that I do not want to be alone. But dearest reader, just like there are fates in this world worse than death, there are also ways to be alone no matter how many people surround you. There are ways we can gain love and approval that are not worth the cost. There is peace that is not worth the cost. There is safety and stability that is not worth the cost. Because what is the world, if we lose our souls?

Dearest reader, we are living in a time when entire generations of people are growing up without any real guidance because the institutions that could have provided that have been deconstructed. If I might speak harshly in my anger-- it would not surprise me a button if the church is only still allowed to exist because it will die soon, or it's simply considered too impotent to be a threat. 

Generations of people who are left behind, looking, wandering... and yet I hesitate to encourage most "Christians" to go out and spread the word, because God knows what sort of nonsense... And yet, even if it were proper, where can one really call or send them, in good conscience?
No... No, I am not disillusioned, I am just disappointed, as I've said before, to have my cynicism confirmed. 

Do you want to know what I think? I think... that it's dying in purpose, and that it deserves it. I think God prunes and leaves a remnant over and over, and sometimes we are born in times when we are watching something fall. And in those times, perhaps it is not for us to try to get in the way.

Christianity is not about social-eggshell-geriatrics and hospice care, it's about life; it's about meaning in the face of suffering, and aspirations to connection with others, touching and nurturing what is good in this world, and living and breathing for it... and this is not what the institutional system has produced. 

So that begs the question... What does one do, if they are born in that time? In a world where the writings of prophets, even, could easily be drowned by the electronic cacophony, is the way of Isaiah the way to go, or is there a new path I have not yet seen? 

...

...

If it is winter, dearest reader, then it is time to sow seeds... Seeds that we know will not come to fruition in our lifetimes, but still, will grow. 

What are we planting?

What am I planting?

...

I need some tea. 

If nothing else I have been trained for this in my soul-- all things pass, dawn will come, spring will come, too. Of this, we may be assured, even if we were born at the cusp of seven generations of winter.

One thing seems certain... these things are not discerned overnight. While I feel confident that I would be able to do various tasks to people's satisfaction... Ministry is not a task. I don't know... if I would be able to do what I am called to do... in this setting. The houses are many, but the bride is One... and she is not here.