⛾ Back <<< to the Kitchen

Good morning 😊 Happy Monday! The sun hasn't come up yet, but this morning there is a song sitting in my heart. Like a little flame sitting there, waiting, the way water can sometimes seem solid even if it is flowing. We shall see if she decides to sing later.

I've been getting a little better at my lyre lately. I notice I play better if I keep my eyes closed. I'm trying to learn just to play by ear, too, even though my original plan was to also read music better. I found that I would open the book, and the most important part was the key signatures and the first note. That said, I've only been playing things I already know how to sing, so I will obviously have to look at a book if I want to learn anything new. But why read when I can feel? (That's the stubborn nonsense that made me a writer and not a "reader," by the way). Anyway, I find that I am enjoying it more this semester, now that I have more of a handle on my own capabilities and a deep assurance that all will be well, even if I just sit for a bit. 

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I started to type out the phrase "a new development has started..." and realised that if I use that phrase one more time it's going to make other new developments watered down by comparison. The thing is, I'm always kind of... rolling along, touching things along the way and... binding and loosing things, perhaps, like a person climbing a mountain should, to stay steady along the way but also allowing forward movement. Or you could picture it like an octopus climbing a tree, and giving you a report on every branch. Either way, the way is up and forward, but it's a shame that there isn't a better way to express hierarchies of newness and endeavour, to more justly compare new developments of career, stretching the soul, and what I'm going to try cooking for dinner in the near future.  

In this case, it is the latter. 

I bet there's at least a little bit of a sigh of relief there. I know there is for me, too. This is a sort of wholesome and non-dramatic adventure I want to be taken on. Plus it's going to taste good. 

The thing is, as I expressed in one of my PHB entries, I could be eating better. But... I mostly eat opportunistically and don't put a lot of effort into my own food. I love cooking for other people though. And even then... admittedly I am rusty. A long time ago I used to cook because I wanted my children to someday have good food to eat. But that was the starting point of a very long downhill slide, so that today, even though I am still good at baking, I haven't picked up a frying pan for much more than an egg in what feels like years. (The sun is up now!)

So that needs to change. And I think the past few weeks have really started to release me in ways that I feel not just aware or open, but motivated to feel that satisfaction of making and eating a well-prepared meal, even if it's just for me. I want to say "I deserve good food, too", but I am always cautious about that word "deserve"... What I think it really is, is that I feel a change in the inner narrative that says that my health is not worth as much effort as what I would offer to others. I still get greater joy in it, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but.. the additional factor is, whether I am going to be alone for a long time, or not, either way I don't want to be forty and still eating... what I have been eating. (Unless I want to. lol). I am a temple, not a beater car.

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SO... I have made myself a temporary little board on my pinterest page with some recipes (even though I have what I consider to be a very good cookbook (ie, the same one my mom and her mom used) that I would like to use instead, ultimately), mostly to try to create a grouping of meals that I would like to make that use approximately the same staples. One of the things I don't want, is to have to go buy a bunch of stuff because I have tacos one night, sushi the next, and some sort of pie the next. Ridiculous. This is a great way to make room for occasions to go out and scratch certain itches, but the more I can do with less at home, the better. For instance, there is so much one can do with the Scarborough Fair tetrad, salt, pepper, and roots. A few small cuts of meat and some pre-prepared stock or broth. I am familiar with these things, I've just been too scattered to organize (or use) my pantry appropriately. (And a smaller repertoire of things also gives me a greater chance to actually grow more of my own food efficiently in the future). 

It will be cheaper, it will be better for me, it will be tasty, and Ah... if you have not played some music or sung a song while preparing dinner, what are you even doing? Classical, and you feel like whatever you make is going to need a side of caviar and a saffron garnish (or is made of people, lol, watch out for Lacrimosa); some musical theatre and you're preparing to eat with comrades before the barricades. Seriously, though, I do find that having a bit of soft ambient music can add a different dimension of pleasantness. 

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Anyway, I've tried this sort of thing before, and it was slightly successful, but a move got in the way and I didn't get back to it. Then I tried again and realised I didn't have enough freezer space, and when I got stressed over school, I regressed. However, this time I feel more of an internal impetus rather than a "should" feeling, and this semester, despite having even more to do than the last one, has actually been more relaxing to me. I have a better handle on my time and patterns, and I am feeling more grounded. And if something gets in the way again, God forbid, I will just have more data for the next time, which will hopefully not be so far away. You have to crawl before you can walk, and you're going to fall down a bit.  

I won't be able to go shopping or begin entirely this week, but if I iron out all the things I know I usually stumble on, now, between my projects, I should be able to hit the ground running and spend my Christmas break getting myself into a good flow.