🕊 Of Shepherds and Wolves (Edited)

(Edit: I've done some editing on this post. I'm not sure if you are able to see timestamps but it was about 11:30 and I dictated half of it, which is why there were so many problems. However, my sleepy eyes were unable to see that, so I'm sorry if reading it caused you to have a stroke.)

I had a fantastic conversation this afternoon, that actually made me feel much more settled in my heart about the issues I keep venting about on here. It didn't fix the problem, but it helped me see the situation in a way that lets me feel like I have... something to do. Something to be. 

Specifically, I was recounting something from last week, now that my minister is back from holidays and I have half a braincell to work with. For the last week or so I have simply allowed myself to be angry about the issue (not constantly/actively, in case it needs to be said), simply because I needed to digest it a bit more before talking it out in a productive way. However, I felt like I was in that more productive place, and so we had a chat.

I don't really feel like recalling everything that happened in perfect sequence, but essentially we started by talking about how to love people. Apparently I got the answer wrong (ha), so we started again with what "shepherding" actually means if we use the shepherd metaphor, and what the job of the shepherd is. He helped me realise during our conversation that I had been having some difficulty with defining the role of a good leader and a shepherd within the context of a paradigm that considers the "priesthood of believers." What is the point of having a leader at all, if Jesus is our leader on an individual level? How does one discern the role of a leader, and by extension, one's real calling to it, when considering that people are always just people, and that people are not more or less holy based on the decisions of human institutions; but as we are made clean by our relationship to God. 

Initially, we tried to address my frustrations over the idea of the Church as the people, and whether one truly about to address the spiritual deficit I have been seeing, or if the institutional church is no more capable of such things right now than the second temple was before it was destroyed. (I would like to add that the latter is my own description and not his.) And while it was being pointed out to me that various people have various gifts and differences of temperament and priority, and that part of the shepherd's job is to get to know the people and help them in their individual journeys, it was also made clearer that I had been unconsciously assuming that every person's actualized self would be that of... well, a priest. Obviously this is not so, but I had not previously given such a factor any attention, as much as I had been simply angry at people for not having the desire to do what otherwise seemed like a very natural thing to want to aspire to... for me. (How embarrassing!) Those who know me will know I have a history of this sort of projection, but I thought that I was in the clear because that was my interpretation of what we are called to do, forgetting that even the earliest church (and communities in general) had various structures and roles, and not everyone was writing letters. 

But others are not me, just like I am not them, and none of us are the apostles. And so, it was helpful to be reminded of what ultimately I already knew, but had not pulled together quite yet: that we are all different, and that the absence of hierarchies under God does not mean there is no variation in our gifts, callings, and abilities, that are meant to lift up each other in different ways. That's how ministry as a vocation is different than being a doctor or a mechanic. That's how I can still be a peer, and a leader at the same time. Because while I continue to discern what my own ministry will look like, there will always be things that are easier and matter-of-fact for me, and a challenge for others, and vis versa. Hopefully, whatever shape my ministry takes, I will learn to be a good leader. That's why I wanted to go to school in the first place, not just read as much theology as I want for jollies. Ultimately, the difficulties that have been grinding at me come from not yet knowing what to do about the differences in development, skills, and motivation of different people, and even simple mismatching of task and executor-- something we can all be discerning together, because none of these things are obvious until you really get to know people, which admittedly I am only starting to do. 

In addition, I realised that current attempts to discern my own strengths and weaknesses and gifts and call has ironically gotten in the way of trying to figure out what I should be dedicating myself to and where. The openness I need for this process keeps the door open to the idea that if I get angry at something, or I find it to be impassable in my current state (compared to something I find enjoyable a larger percentage of the time), then perhaps I'm in the wrong spot. My anger made me feel like maybe I wasn't cut to do ministry (traditional or otherwise) because a better minister wouldn't be so angry. However, this fear was also allayed with advice and encouragement about the varied and very human nature of being in ministry, and the necessity, instead, of having healthy outlets, good friends, and a heart that is aligned with Christ, because... people are people.

I'm interested in doing a bit more delving into the idea of various spiritual gifts now, as a result, because of course, naturally, I have also been focusing a lot on discerning my own and the implications thereof, but I feel like really walking with people will require me to understand others-- their fears, hopes, and needs-- in ways that I previously have not, but if mastered (or at very least improved), would help me do the "shepherding" mentioned above in a way that helps inspire the movement of the right people into the right places, so that the family of God can move together, despite differences and individual challenges. 

I feel... less trapped now.